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Silver lining

Golden circles pattern

I’ve realised that every time a relationship has ended, I’ve been able to turn it around into a positive situation and somehow improve my life.

With a break-up, of course I always have moments of wretchedness. Everything is terrible, suddenly it seems to shine a light on everything that’s wrong with my life, my social life, my home, my job, my fitness, my looks, have I travelled enough, am I doing everything I want to do with my life? This always seems to happen. In terms of romantic relationships – is it ever going to happen, why does it always go wrong? These same questions – always.

But, after a while, this is always followed by a feeling of lifting. Suddenly I have a massive desire to do something to improve my life. Almost as an act of rebellion, this has happened, everything feels like crap, but I’m now going to make my life even better.

And this seems to happen consistently. I had an ex who had told me that he’d learned Spanish for free at a local community college. I was jealous. When the relationship ended I thought, “I’m going to learn Spanish, if he can, so can I!” And I did. I did a GCSE in Spanish and now here I am living in Spain speaking Spanish every day. He inspired me.

I’ve taken trips, I’ve moved house, I’ve started courses, all inspired by stopping and re-evaluating where I am in my life.

I reflect on different areas of my life, look at things slightly differently, and consider what I need to work on. And I feel inspired to make some changes.

It’s interesting how the end of a relationship can seem like the worst thing in the world, but actually it can shift you forward in other ways.

It was the same when I had my career ‘breakdown’ moment. It felt like the worst thing in the world – I was really stressed, I didn’t know what to do; but it ended up being the best possible thing for me. Because I got out of a career I wasn’t enjoying and hadn’t been for years, it forced me to really think about what kind of life I wanted, what kind of lifestyle.

Did I want the London lifestyle I had, which I found stressful, and busy, and expensive, or did I want to lead a simpler, more flexible life, doing work I valued more. I realised I wanted to be able to work where I want. I eventually made the decision to live in another country, something I’d held back on for a long time.

So this breakdown gave me a chance to re-evaluate everything. I had the freedom to make some decisions. And once I’d made the decision to quit my job, which felt huge at the time, it made making further brave decisions that much easier to do. I know I can focus on what I want, and do it.

When something bad happens, it’s not always quite so bad. It can be a silver lining, and can set you off on a path which is way better than you’ve even imagined. Something better could be round the corner.

Get in touch with me here if you’re ready to improve your life and you’d like me to help you with getting unstuck, or with a career transition.

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Why Perfectionism isn’t your friend

Perfectionism: neatly laid out desk items

What is perfectionism?

I recently read something about perfectionism, and was surprised to learn that it is less about wanting to do everything perfectly, being in control, wanting to be the best you can be, and more about caring desperately how other people see you.

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame… Perfectionism is more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception.”

– Brené Brown, Daring Greatly.

It’s an addictive need to put immense pressure on yourself.

Perfectionism inhibits you. It stops you from taking small risks, experimenting, trying stuff out.

It cages you in.

It’s the little voice saying you can’t do something unless you’re 100% sure of the outcome, and that outcome has to be positive.

It’s not good for you.

So, after reading this and ruminating a little, I’m trying to develop a motto of ‘I’m not perfect and that’s a good thing.’

I’m no longer aiming for perfection. I’m aiming for – ‘I’m putting a lot of effort into this, and I want to do well, but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t.’

Taking the pressure off.

It’s quite hard to let things go. To do – enough. Enough is better than nothing. Something is better than nothing.

What about you? Do you have perfectionist tendencies? Are you aware of how they limit you? Is it something you want to change?

You might also like to read this on imposter syndrome, and for more Brené Brown, this.

Trying to be perfect may stop you from making decisions about your career change. If you’re feeling stressed and stuck and you’d like my help, book in a coaching session with me here: Contact Me

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Imposter Syndrome

Person sat on a railing over water, imposter syndrome

I read an article about imposter syndrome the other day: This Is How You Get Rid of Imposter Syndrome.

“You’ve probably blamed luck or other factors for your success instead of embracing the fact that you were responsible. You, my friend, have experienced imposter syndrome.”

It got me thinking.

When I first applied for my job in advertising, over a decade ago, I felt really confident completing the application. My skills and experience matched the criteria; I had experience working in an international environment and spoke French. And I was enthusiastic about working in the magazine industry.

I really wanted the job.

Waiting to go in to the interview (or coming out, I can’t remember which), I saw a girl I knew, a friend of a friend, also going for an interview for the same role. We had a brief chat.

A couple of days later, they offered me the job. However, for some reason I decided that they had probably offered the job to this other girl first, thinking that she must have turned it down.

I said something along these lines to my Dad, who asked why on earth I would even think such a thing. Why wasn’t I confident enough in myself to assume I’d been offered the job because I was perfect for the job?

During the ten years I worked for that company, I still felt like an imposter, right up until the end. The first few years I enjoyed it, but I quite often felt on tenterhooks, expecting to be found for I don’t know what. Not being good enough at the job?

Where did this lack of confidence come from?

Is it a perfectionist thing, always trying to be perfect and never make any mistakes, and massively fearing making any? Possibly? (read here)

Later on, as a sales manager, I didn’t feel good enough. I didn’t feel chatty/salesy/showy enough. I’m quiet, reflective, I listen. I don’t have the gift of the gab. Quite often I prefer to listen than to talk. I felt that you needed to be the opposite in the industry I worked in. It became stressful.

I concentrated more on ‘I’m not the right person for the job’ rather than ‘this job’s not right for me’.

One quote that stuck in my mind when going through a tricky time in this company, was from Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford commencement address:

‘Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.’

This for me was imposter syndrome. Feeling as though I was playing a role in someone else’s life. This wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

Is it you, or is it the job?

If you’re feeling like this, I think it’s really important to take stock. Is it that you need to build up your confidence, find a way to lose this feeling of “phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable or creative despite evidence of high achievement.”

Carry on with the work you are doing, and realise that you are as capable, talented, intelligent, interesting, as everyone else?

Or, do you need to take a reality check, and realise that the work you’re doing or the company you work for, isn’t right for you? It doesn’t suit your personality, values or lifestyle? Is it time to for a change?

If you’d like my help in getting unstuck and changing your job or career, book in for a discovery session with me here. We can talk things through.

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Why “I fell into it” isn’t enough

Person stepping off rock into sea

“I fell into it.”

“I was thrown into…”

“But it’s just something I fell into rather than a conscious move.”

I’ve found that when it comes to changing career or sorting out your life, it’s easy to fall into the trap of not taking responsibility for your decisions. “It’s not my fault I’m in this situation (hating the job I’m doing). I fell into it.  I was thrown into it.” As though it was a totally unconscious decision.

I’ve been there. As much as I very consciously decided to take a role in my old company, as an advertising assistant, when it came to progressing the only option available seemed to be to go into sales. Which wasn’t something I wanted…

I totally fell into it.

I liked the company, I liked my team, I liked what we were doing, and as much as the thought of being a salesperson really didn’t appeal (I went home and cried the first time my boss suggested that this might be an option…warning bells or what), it felt as though it was something I had to do.

Now I look back and I can’t believe I let it happen. But it was easy. The familiarity appealed – same team, same product, same company, same office, same routine. It was a natural progression, I’d already started doing the role, supporting my boss, so it wasn’t too much of a leap into the unknown.

But it was exactly the ‘fell into it’ scenario – it wasn’t my plan, it wasn’t my goal, it wasn’t my dream career move. I hadn’t seriously considered all the other options out there in the world. I didn’t have much awareness of what else was out there.

It didn’t cross my mind to go out and explore, find out what other people are actually doing that might appeal to me. (That came later). To really think about what would suit me, my personality, my optimum work environment, the company values. To consider different roles I could take on with my skills and experience. I didn’t contemplate side-stepping into another industry where I did want to progress, keep learning, keep being challenged.

What’s funny is that I remember having a conversation with my then boss, which now seems quite laughable. It must have been quite clear that I didn’t want to move into sales. She suggested that I go abroad. “Why don’t you spend some time in Italy?” I seem to remember her saying. She may have even suggested I contact the Italian office. Why oh why didn’t I?

Because I was scared.

That just seemed too big a leap into the unknown. Even though I’d moved to Paris after university, I’d applied for a job through the university, and I’d moved there with one of my best friends. It was all quite straightforward. A move abroad on my own….? Scary stuff.

It took me 10 years to eventually pluck up the courage to leave that job, find a job that better suited me and my personality, and move abroad. (Read about my career transition here).

And how did I manage to get unstuck?

After several years reading, studying and learning about mindset, I’ve learned how to get better at taking responsibility for my actions and for the direction in which I want my life to go. I’ve started to listen to myself, to my intuition. I’ve started to dare to do the things I want to do.

Over to you

Are you coasting along, not fully happy with your situation (it’s ok….but not great), ignoring deeply hidden true desires? Letting months, years pass without taking action? Because of fear? Is it time to start making conscious decisions about your life?

If you’d like to work with me and start taking action, book in a coaching session with me here: Contact Me

Please share with someone you think might enjoy reading this, the link is here: https://bit.ly/2KaWsH9.

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We all need that extra push

An experience I had this week inspired this post.

A writer and speaker called Matt, who I’ve been following online for quite a while now, asked his newsletter readers to send in questions on what’s currently troubling them, in order to win a book.

I went ahead and responded (I really want to read that book) and was surprised (and excited) to get an actual email response from him a week later.

My message to him had been about struggling to get myself out there in terms of telling people about my coaching – I want to reach people, help people, meet new potential clients, but I’m quite private. I don’t tend to broadcast personal stuff on social media.

In his response to me he made two brilliant suggestions. They were exactly what I needed to hear, he made them sound really easy, and they are totally doable.

And what struck me is… they were things I already knew I needed to do.

The first suggestion is what I always say to clients myself – start small. Don’t go for the big, scary, paralysing step straight off. In my case, this would be doing some big announcement on Facebook (Eurgh. I think I’ve made one Facebook post in my life, trying to flog a Black Keys gig ticket).

Instead, work out smaller, less scary first steps. In my case for example, as per his suggestion, find a likeminded online group, test out sharing and exchanging information with them. Try it out, and build up to the bigger goals (and, my realisation is, be sure your bigger goals actually resonate with you).

The second suggestion was right there on this weeks’ to-do list. Matt suggested that instead of concentrating on what you want to share with the world, work out what you can help people with, what do they want and need to hear about. How can you be of help?

And on my to-do list?

That’s exactly what I’d been planning to do, read over my client coaching notes, see what my clients were most struggling with, write blogposts based on replying to them. What kind of stuff do I say to them one to one? Are common themes coming up? Could many people out there be experiencing the same thing, and need help with it?

You know what to do

What I’m saying with these examples is, most of us know what we need to do. Really. If pushed we can work out exactly what’s troubling us, we can work out possible solutions, we can decide what we want to achieve, we can work out a plan.

But, we’re not pushed. It is really, really hard to push yourself. Add to that the negative chatter we have going on in our heads, pointing out all the reasons why we can’t do this or that, or shouldn’t, catastrophizing and berating ourselves. And so, we don’t make any progress. Instead we overanalyse, procrastinate, stagnate, get frustrated, feel lost.

We all need accountability and that extra push. Someone to say – well what can you do? Great. Do it. I believe that you can do it. Just do it. We’ll speak next week and you can tell me all about it.

Someone who has a vested interest in encouraging you to achieve your goals,  who is 100% behind you, supporting you.

They can perhaps can see things a little more clearly than you can right now, and are not bogged down in your fears, your ego, your what-ifs, your ‘but I’m too busy/stressed/lazy/scared.’

For them it’s clear what you want to do; you have a goal that is doable, achievable, realistic. There is absolutely no reason why you can’t go ahead and do it.

And it helps

Sometimes you need someone to reflect back to you the reality of your situation. To not let you downplay things, to force you to really see the situation; the opportunity you’re ignoring, the experience you already have, the skills you can use.

It’s great talking to friends and family, but it could be they’re as scared as you, or as stuck as you; deep down they don’t actually want things to change, they don’t want you to suffer or struggle or fail, so they agree that ‘yes that’s a bit risky isn’t it’, or suggest you stay in your nice, safe, comfortable well-paying job, because security and comfort is everything, right?

Sometimes you need an outsider to help you fast track your progress. Someone with whom you can start from scratch. They don’t know much about your history, they’re not worried about how changes you make will affect them and your relationship with one another, they don’t have any ulterior motive to keep you where you are.

They want to hear about your current situation, assess your current reality, and look to the future. To support you in moving forwards.

The message from Matt gave me  just the push I needed. His two actionable suggestions gave me energy, inspired me, motivated me. I joined the online group straight away and started interacting. I read through my coaching notes which gave me several new articles ideas. And I felt inspired to write this post.

***

I hope this post inspires you to take some form of action, whether it’s to take that first small step towards a career transition, or to finally do that one thing on your to-do list that you’ve been scared to do. You can do it.

If you feel inspired and would like to try out coaching with me – I can give you that extra push and take away the stress of trying to do it on your own. Contact me for a discovery session here.

Please share this post with someone who you think might enjoy it. Here’s the link.

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