Listen up

Image of a wooden duck sculpture with a green background.
Photo by Olga Serjantu on Unsplash

I recently heard relationship expert Esther Perel talk about communicating. She said that the key to great communication is being able to listen. It’s not about getting your point across, making yourself understood. It’s listening. Really hearing what the other person is saying, or trying to tell you.

Something you might not know about coaches? We’re really great listeners.

Coaching isn’t about telling someone what to do, churning out advice, sharing our great wisdom. We may make the odd suggestion, tell an anecdote, share some insight.

But a coach’s primary job is to listen to their client.

This is key to coaching.

What is, and isn’t being said.

Listen, pick up on tone, words, body language. Pick up on hesitations, stumbling, facial expressions. Notice what’s being skirted around, what isn’t being said or tackled. Spot fiddling, hand wringing, scratching of the head. Averting of eyes. Or someone lighting up.

A coach’s job is to listen to what the other person is or isn’t saying, and then to probe deeper. To ask good questions. To get to the bare bones of what a person is thinking or feeling or wants.

What a coach is aiming to do is get the client to come up with answers for themselves on what to do next. It’s providing them with a space in which to be honest. It’s giving them the time to really think hard about what they want. Pushing them to come up with a step they need to take, which is going to move them forwards. Out of feeling stuck, and into feeling great about taking action.

It’s kind of like holding their hand and giving them a nudge in the back at the same time. You won’t get away with just sitting there talking. With the coach’s help, you’ll also be making a plan, and taking action.

Change perspective.

Coaching is all about helping someone to do the things they need to do, to get them to where they want to be.

My first visit to a coach, helped me break out of this little bubble I’d been sitting in, telling myself that the only options for me where a similar job in a similar company. Which is not what I wanted. In that first session, I started to realise there were opportunities out there that I didn’t know existed.

My coach listened to me, then asked me if I’d considered X, Y, Z. It was so simple. But for someone to suggest I could do something different, based on what interested me, was mind blowing. It was a like a switch went off in my brain. She challenged the story I’d been telling myself, that I was stuck, and that there was nothing interesting out there for me.

She simply listened, and asked questions. Good questions. She guided me into discovering new possibilities for myself. I felt heard, understood, validated. And motivated.

If you’d like some coaching sessions with me, find me here on LinkedIn , or email me at joaopoku@gmail.com.

Written during Writers’ Hour. Join me on the next one.

Failure – or just a pivot?

I was inspired the other day listening to the author Bernadine Evaristo chatting on the podcast How to Fail with Elizabeth Day. She’s led such an interesting, inspiring life. Her attitude is that a failure isn’t really a failure, as each one teaches you something and moves you forwards. 

It got me to thinking about failures I’ve had, and what I’ve taken from them. Is there really something to learn from every single one of them?

Two failures that spring to mind which definitely changed my trajectory were failing a business French module at university, and the failure to get a diploma in translation many years after having left university. 

Failed at…Business French

I failed business French because I DID NOT HAVE A CLUE what it was all about. The lectures passed by in a blur of boredom. This was the final term of my second year of studies, and my French wasn’t far past A-level.

I was always pretty good at French at school, but not great. I’d never studied anything to do with business, so even if I had understood a word the lecturers were saying, it would have gone totally over my head. 

No surprises then that I have vague recollection of seeing the exam paper and just thinking ‘what the…’. I’ve always been good in exam situations, one of those people that quite enjoys them. But I’d never experienced anything like this. Zero comprehension. So the end result was a big fat fail. 

Which meant that in my fourth and final year of studies, having spent the third year living in France and (ahem) perfecting my French, I had to add on an extra module to make up for this failure. Thanks second year me.

But actually, yes, thanks second year me. Because one of the options I had was to learn a new language, completing a beginners course. I chose Spanish – a language lots of girls at my school had chosen over German because it was considered ‘easy’ – I’d chosen German probably because that’s what my older sister had studied and I mainly copied her.

I figured Spanish would be a nice easy option, the fact that I spoke French and Italian would surely help. And I was right. It was super easy. All I really remember taking from that one module was being able to say ‘in the morning I get up at 9 o’clock. I passed with flying colours. Who needs business French when you can learn beginner’s Spanish?

So failure number 1 = a success. It resulted in a decent degree and (basic) knowledge of a brand new language. 

Failed at…Diploma in Translation

Fast forward around 5 years. I had spent two years after university living in Paris, finally perfecting that French…then returned to London, working for an international magazine company. 

At first I’d enjoyed my job, but after a while felt something was missing. I’d always thought working as a translator would be a fantastic job, so I decided to do a diploma in French to English translation. Maybe it would result in a career move, if nothing else I’d get to study more of my beloved French and get really, really good. 

Once a week I’d attend a 2-hour class after work – submitting translations on all sorts of topics and then going through them together. It was brutal – ‘good enough’ didn’t really cut it. You had to really really understand the French to convey the meaning correctly, and sometimes it just seemed impossible. 

However, I was confident. I enjoyed the classes and thought that working hard might be enough. The course leader warned us that the exam was extremely tough, that the pass rate was minuscule (30% maybe?), and gave us the pricing for retaking it a year later. 

Well – no big surprise, I failed. It was disappointing, there’s always the hope you’ll be one of the lucky ones. But, I’d always known failure was likely, and therefore considered retaking in a year’s time. 

I remember speaking to my parents about it, about the expense and whether or not it was worth it. And my Dad said to me, ‘what about concentrating on learning another language instead, what about your Spanish?’

Reader, my Dad’s a clever man. 

Funnily enough, this all tied in with the break-up of a short-lived relationship with an illustrator I quite liked, who boasted that he’d learned Spanish at a local adult education centre for free, and that he could rap Do The Bartman in Spanish. I’d always been jealous, not of the rap, but of the fact he’d learned enough Spanish to impress someone with.

And I’ve always thought the best thing to do after a break-up is to throw yourself into making yourself even more fabulous, that’ll show him (even if you know you’ll never see him again).

So the thought of improving my Spanish, in maybe getting really good, as good as my French, was a very appealing idea. And I’m a bit of a swot, I love studying. Nothing much makes me happier than going to an adult education class. 

Didn’t fail…GCSE Spanish

So I signed up for a course in GCSE Spanish at an adult education centre in Holborn. I loved it. The first lesson I wondered what the hell I was doing. Our lovely teacher was Venezuelan with a strong accent, and I don’t think I understood one thing she said. From all the nervous tittering from my classmates, I knew we were in the same boat. 

Over time we started to understand her, and improve. By the end of the course not only had I had a fling with a bad boy French dude, but I’d got an A* in GCSE Spanish.

So there we go, two failures, which resulted in me obtaining a GCSE in Spanish, and very mediocre fluency. Is this really a success story, you might well ask? 

Well – fast forward maybe 10 more years, and here I am living in Valencia. I finally left the magazine company, did some translation work on the side anyway (take that, failed diploma). I got a new job working remotely, started up a coaching business, and moved to Valencia. I’d always wanted to live abroad again after Paris, and something magical drew me to Valencia. My Spanish is in no way perfect, but it’s getting pretty fluent.

Failing a business French module and a diploma in translation are of course, small pieces in a bigger overall puzzle of how things have turned out. But no doubt, the opportunity to learn Spanish played a part in shaping my decisions and future. And that’s something I’m grateful for.

If you’d like to try a coaching session with me, send me a message on LinkedIn or at joaopoku@gmail.com for more info and details.

Written during Writers’ Hour. Join me on the next one.

Photo by Estée Janssens on Unsplash

It’s ok to want something different

Your confidence can be really knocked if you work for a manager or a team that just don’t quite click with you. You start to question yourself. Why don’t you want to laugh along with them, why don’t you want to hang out with them at lunchtime? Why do you not get their in-jokes, why don’t you want to spend time with them out of work? Why do you want something different?

I worked for a boss who had a very different view to me on how to work and what are acceptable working hours. She thought it was perfectly reasonable to work all hours, and even to take your work on holiday. 

One time she had a big birthday that she celebrated with her sister abroad and they’d gone out to do something special, a boat trip down a river. In the middle of it all she took a call about some big deal she’d been working on and won.

The last thing I’d want to do on my birthday or when I’m on holiday is check work emails or take calls or think about work! Fair enough it was a big deal. But it just reminded me how little I was invested in the work, and how different our values seemed.

Square peg in a round hole

Another time I went for a drink with a couple of colleagues. They started talking about and comparing their Rolexes. I remember wondering what on earth I was doing there with them. What we found interesting, and important, seemed so different. 

It’s easy to feel like you’re the one that doesn’t fit in, you’re the square peg in the round hole. 

When working for this company, for my lunch break I’d always rush off at 1pm on the dot. I’d head to the nearest bookshop or walk around, then eat my lunch at my desk. I didn’t really want to interact that much. I didn’t want to go to lunch with colleagues or stroll around the shops together.

Now, I realise I’m a bit of an introvert. So looking back, working in a busy, open plan office with phones constantly ringing, I needed time to be on my own, to recalibrate, breathe, think, digest. 

But I felt like a bit of a weirdo, always sneaking off on my own. In my memory, I pretty much sprinted to the door every lunchtime! I was desperate to move, to get out, to feel free.

The same with after work drinks. The last thing I wanted was to hang out more with the people I’d spent all day with, as nice as most of them were (and some of them were friends). The thought of carrying on, drinking warm wine in some so-so bar, making small talk, it wasn’t for me. I didn’t have the energy.

Something different

So when I left that job and searched out a new one, I was looking for something different. This meant looking for like-minded people who had a similar outlook to me. Finding work that meant something to me. I didn’t want to be working in a big, busy, open-plan office. Where you felt judged if you weren’t at your desk at 9am, if you left on the dot at 5pm and didn’t stay late, and if you took your lunch break at any time other than between 1pm and 2pm. 

I wanted freedom and meaning.

I ended up working for a company where we all work remotely. We’re doing good work, helping children struggling with their reading. I’m genuinely interested in what my colleagues have to say about all sorts.

I still work 9-5 but I take my lunch when I want to. I go for a walk round the block or have a break when I want to. There’s no judgement when we all say a virtual bye at 5pm. I work from home or I work from a coworking space. Or when I’m back visiting my parents, from their study. It can change depending on my mood or energy levels, or what I’ve got to get done.

I can be around people when I want to, be on my own when I want to, and just get my head down and do the work. Then I’ll coach for a couple of hours after work, or first thing in the morning before work. I’ve found a way of working that suits me much better.

What do you want to change?

If what you’ve just read resonates, have a think about what your ideal working environment would be. What works for you? What would you change if you could? 

Currently, during the covid pandemic, a lot of us have time to gain perspective on our work situation, and see more clearly what is or isn’t working. Many people are trying out working remotely, from home. And some are realising that it suits them really well, they are far more productive and love not having to commute. They have more time to spend with family. 

Perhaps they are realising that this way of working (ideally without a backdrop of fear, uncertainty and doom) is something they’d like to pursue. Or at least, have the option to do so a few times a week.

Others are realising that there could be something more fulfilling out there, something that lights them up, something they’d be proud to be working on. Something different.

This could be a good opportunity to really explore – journal, read, start to build a more precise picture of what you want.

It’s definitely a time of change, in so many ways. Hopefully a large part can be really positive, including relooking at how we are working and what we want from life, and making changes accordingly.

If you’d like to try a coaching session with me, send me a message on LinkedIn or at joaopoku@gmail.com for more info and details.

Written during Writers’ Hour. Join me on the next one.

Photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash

How to move on with a career shift

My clients are brilliant people who are feeling stuck in their careers. They aren’t happy or comfortable where they are – the work just doesn’t click, it doesn’t feel great. It’s not fulfilling them. But they have no clue how to move on – they have dreams which seem far off, impossible. Dreams they don’t even dare take seriously. 

They have an idea where they want to be – in a job where they are thriving. And they want to be full of energy, doing the work, enjoying it, using their brains, using their skills, feeling fulfilled. They want to know that they are doing good. They want to be earning good money, and feeling valued. 

Make a plan

Where do I come in? I help them make a plan.

I help them get all their ideas out of their heads, really get them to think deeply about what it is that they want.

Forget about what they’re doing now, forgot about what other people think they should do. 

Deep down, what is going to bring them energy, excitement, contentment? What do they know they could be really good at, and enjoy? Most of us have got something. Something we think sounds so cool, that we’d love to spend all our time doing.

Once they have a clear idea of what they want, I help them make a plan. How are they going to get from the situation they are in now, to where they want to be? What are the little steps they need to take which will eventually get them there?

As with any change, it’s all about moving forward with little steps, keeping going. 

Little steps

Do they need to contact someone to ask for contact details, for advice, for information? 

Would it help to find a course to test things out, or get a qualification? 

Could they find someone who works in a company that interests them, and get some insider information on what it’s like to work there, and what the hiring situation is like? 

Perhaps they need to take the time to update their LinkedIn profile, start connecting with people and building a network of contacts, start posting so that people can get to know them? 

All of this is stuff they might think of doing themselves, but then procrastinate, leave it for another day, or avoid. We most often know what needs to be done, but because it seems scary or awkward or a lot of work, we put it off. 

I help by holding my clients to account. We break down the task, make the first step super easy and small, agree when they’ll do it by.

When we next speak, they’ll be excited to tell me that they’ve done it, what the result was, and we’ll move on to the next thing. 

It’s all quite simple, and super effective. 

Progress

Clients make great progress working with me because they’re invested in making things happen. They’ve taken the time and spent money to make sure they actually make the changes they want to. 

We break it all down so that it becomes really doable. Once clients start doing things they had previously shied away from, or avoided, they grow in confidence.

And they start seeing results, a positive response, someone taking them seriously, a new opportunity comes up. They start shifting, they start to move on from their previous work persona and move towards a new one.

If you’d like to try a coaching session with me, send me a message on LinkedIn or at joaopoku@gmail.com for more info and details.

Written during Writers’ Hour. Join me on the next one.

Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash

Find what works for you

I love to read stuff about doing things in your own way. Weeding out and selecting and finding what works for you, and you only. 

It’s so easy to consume other people’s opinions. Someone tells you they did something a certain way, and that if you do exactly the same it’ll work out for you too. 

Another person giving their opinion based on what they’ve heard other people saying over the years.

Then there’s collective thinking. Things we see in the media or online, things it seems everyone knows; what constitutes a good job, a successful relationship, the only way to live a good life.

Thing is, there’s always an exception to the rule. 

I read a piece by writer Ruby Tandoh about quitting. Generally we’re advised not to quit things. It’s seen as failure, as being lazy, as giving up, as not putting enough effort in.

Her take on it is – there’s amazing liberation to be found in quitting when you feel like it. You have a choice, and you can make it. You can quit something that isn’t working for you, that isn’t feeling good.

(Obviously this is dependant on circumstance, and being in a privileged position in the first place). 

Only later in life does the penny slowly drop and you realise that quitting isn’t just about wimping out or a can’t-be-bothered attitude. It’s about taking control of the situations, people and relationships that can forge – or damage – the meandering path of your life.

Ruby Tandoh article in WePresent

I loved hearing a different take on quitting. I quit my job four years ago. I’d stayed for years believing you could only leave a job when you had another great one sorted. Ideally with a pay rise. That thinking kept me stuck for years.

Because I had no idea what my next step would be. And as it wasn’t clear, and I didn’t know how to go about exploring what was out there, I just stayed put.

When I finally did leap – with savings, some potential freelance work and temp work on the cards, a bed at my parents should things get desperate – it felt like the best thing I’d ever done. 

The only thing more thrilling than quitting something is starting something new. In the vacuum that quitting creates, countless new maybes rush in.

Ruby Tandoh article in WePresent

It felt like the first time I’d really made a big decision for myself, that I was actually taking control of my life, and the direction in which it would go. 

I read a ton of books beforehand about career change, finding your passion, going freelance, being an entrepreneur. I’d read enough to convince me that I could be one of those people. That it is possible to quit a job and not only survive, but maybe go on to bigger and better things. 

I’m not necessarily suggesting you quit your job, it’s not a decision to take lightly. But I’m saying that you have to work things out your way, find what works for you.

Take on advice, take on different ideas about how to do things, and try them out for yourself. Keep what works, chuck anything that doesn’t.

Make decisions based on you and your life, not solely on what others think.

If you’d like to try a coaching session with me, send me a message on LinkedIn or at joaopoku@gmail.com for more info and details.

Written during Writers’ Hour. Join me on the next one.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash